Cath and Ethel
by Tanith Panic
Summary: Set in a AU where Cal never died, Ethan never had Huntington's and the supernatural may just exist, this is a story of how an inappropriate remark by Cal has very worrying results for the brothers. Mildly saucy but nothing too unpleasant
1. Chapter 1

CATH AND ETHEL

(Another Au where Cal's alive and Ethan doesn't have Huntington's. This time a bit more light-hearted. When Cal and Ethan manage to insult a woman with hidden powers, they find themselves changed. Will they learn from their experience or be doomed to live out their whole lives in alien bodies? T/W warning: Sexist comments, dark magic, and a couple of mentions of nausea.)

Cal knew it would be a bad day when he saw the clock and realised the alarm hadn't gone off. On further investigation he knew the reason – he'd been too drunk to set it in the first place. It had been an excellent party, despite it being on a Sunday night, and both he and Ethan had enjoyed themselves. The trouble was that Cal was easier at recovering from a good night out than his brother was.

"Cal" Ethan sounded like a five-year-old instead of a responsible doctor, "I've been sick. Again."

"Sit and put your head back for a bit. Does your head still hurt as much?"

"No."

"You might be lucky and be at the recovery stage by now, then. Do you want some black coffee and dry toast?"

"We're late already."

"I've texted Mrs Beauchamp and told her we've been delayed. Now do you want some-?"

Ethan suddenly realised with a faint grin that coffee and dry toast actually sounded good.

The shopping area had never been so busy before, or at least it looked that way to Cal as he sat at the Zebra crossing, willing the lights to change. But one middle-aged lady was shuffling across, almost as if she was trying to goad the drivers.

"Come on, come ON, you menopausal old biddy" Cal said, believing he'd spoken under his breath.

Alas, Flavia Octavia Sanford could lip-read.

Ethan would have been fine had he not let out a giggle at his brother's muttered words.

She turned towards the car just before she reached the pavement and mouthed clearly:

"You two will learn what it's like to feel as women do."

As the lights let him move forward, Cal understood what she'd mouthed. He wondered if the woman believed in reincarnation or something. But the issue now was to get into work and grovel to Mrs Beauchamp before embracing the joys of a nine-hour shift.

Cal wondered why his scrubs weren't meeting properly over his chest. He'd been a bit of a slacker about his gym sessions lately but surely that would have made him put weight on his gut first? He fastened the buttons as best he could, and checked himself in the mirror.

And bit back a scream.

The face that stared back at him had his features, his distinctive but attractive nose, the curve of his lips… but they were softened, more feminine. Was that – how the heck could it be – lipstick? And his hair… he'd seen less curls on Lofty.

He felt the scrubs pulling on him again and looked down.

He'd grown breasts. Not just man-boobs. Breasts. He had a voluptuous, statuesque figure.

Cal was afraid. Very afraid.

He groped for his mobile.

"Mrs Beauchamp? I'm so sorry; it looks as if I won't be coming in to work today. Yes I think it's a virus. Yes, I know it's inconvenient. Of course I'll make every effort to come into work tomorrow."

At least Ethan hadn't been affected…

His heart sank as Ethan, tossing his long blonde hair aside, and whimpering in disbelief, looked furtively round the door.

"Good morning, Mrs Beauchamp. The agency sent us" Cal said, his voice sounding high-pitched to his own ears, though it was actually a pleasant contralto.

"I don't remember asking for any agency staff. Oh" Connie pulled a face. Sam had probably interfered again and rung the agency.

"Well, as you're here, you're with Doctor Keogh."

"Did you see my br-er-my sister?"

"Your sister? She's been booked as well?"

Noel hurried over with Ethan in tow.

"Hello Mrs Beauchamp. This is Ethel Wright, your other agency doctor."

Cal smiled.

"And I'm doctor Cath Harvey."

Just go along with it, he thought. Surely this craziness can only last for a day?"

He was wrong.

Dylan had done a double-take, then, in typical Dylan fashion, shrugged and got on with the tasks in hand. Cal and Ethan's medical prowess hadn't been affected and they'd managed to save a small baby with a heart defect, two victims of a RTA and the inevitable pneumothorax patient among other lesser serious cases.

When lunchtime finally came they hurried to the local mini market and ate in the park where they could finally discuss their predicament.

"How long will we be like this? You don't think it'll be forever do you?"

Ethan quite enjoyed the luxury of being able to weep in public with no questions asked. It was only when his eyes began to sting and he checked his mascara – that bl**dy spell had even made up their faces for them – that he realised he had Panda eyes.

"How do I know?" Cath's response was more shrewish, "There must be some compensation for all this. It's quite nice to have men opening doors for us. Iain Dean did that earlier, and he smiled at me while he did it. He's normally in a foul mood on Mondays."

"He fancies you, then" Ethan replied, his wailing turning to a giggle.

"Oh lucky me. Do you think anybody else has noticed?"

"David Hide. But his reaction was weird, to say the least. He just looked at us and then nodded to himself."

Cal resolved to have words with David later. Maybe he knew that – that _witch_ personally.

"If this is a dream I want to wake up now" he sighed.

"We're both having the same dream then."

"Oh shut up Ethan" grizzled Doctor Cath Harvey.

"If this lasts longer than a couple of days we'll need new clothes. Do you suppose we could get Lily to come shopping with us?"

Ethan was very fond of Doctor Chao and his heart suddenly sank as he realised that this change might mean he'd never be able to date her.

"Or Alicia."

"No; she's got a mean streak. She'd advise all the wrong things. Robyn might be useful."

"We'd need underwear too-" Cal suddenly gave a moan of self-pity.

"What?"

"For the first time in ages I'll be able to get my hands on a decent pair of breasts… and they'll just be mine, so they'll be really boring."

Ethan had to laugh.

"My office now!"

Connie glared at Cath and Ethel and shepherded them into her office. Neither of them felt brave enough to tell her that their shift had just ended.

"Doctor Knight, Doctor Hardy, what IS this nonsense? Some kind of joke? A bet, maybe? Are you doing this for charity?"

Cath blushed.

"It's too complicated to explain, Mrs Beauchamp."

"Is it now? Well, I don't like to be made a fool of, so I suggest this charade ends now! Remove your padding at once, remove that make-up and change into your normal clothes. I can't give you a verbal warning in that state."

Cal took a deep breath.

"It isn't padding, Mrs Beauchamp."

Maybe it was stress after a long day. Maybe it was rage that, while the other staff were battling to save lives, Knight and Hardy were playing some fool joke on her.

At any rate, Connie took action. She put her hands inside Cal's T shirt and pulled hard, expecting the padding to come away in her hand.

Instead, Cal screamed in what could only be described as genuine pain.

"My God…"

Connie's colouring turned ashen, and she walked unsteadily out of her office while Cal hugged his sore chest and Ethan succumbed to hysterical laughter.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

A/N Thanks for the lovely reviews. T/W: Mention of steroids and recreational drugs. I hope the ending isn't too unpleasant to this chapter, as I've tried to write it as tactfully as possible.

When Connie had recovered from her shock, she sat down and thought the situation through slowly and as calmly as she could. Then she remembered something that had happened a few months ago.

Things had been a little better in the staff room, at least for Ethan. Lofty had brought in a box of doughnuts to share – Krispy Kreems too! – and Ethan took some comfort in feeling the glorious taste of fat and sugar combined.

"It'd be great if we could all go on a girls' night out sometime" Robyn beamed.

"Yeah, we could go and see some male strippers" smirked Alicia. Ethan wanted to punch her and felt guilty because he'd been brought up never to strike a lady. Or, for that matter, Alicia.

Then he remembered he was a girl. Oh boy.

"Nice idea!" he beamed, punching Alicia hard on the shoulder as if in agreement.

"Ow! Are you on steroids or something?" Alicia snapped, rubbing her shoulder.

Cal's glare reminded Ethan of his gaffe. He'd officially only been working in the ED for less than a day, and had already upset a member of staff.

Personally Cal and Ethan thought that going to see a load of men taking off their clothes would be the most boring night out ever.

Suddenly Ethan's doughnut didn't taste as nice. He took a swig of tea, grimaced – ED tea was hardly Earl Grey, and was almost relieved when Connie stalked in, saying:

"You two agency nurses. My office, now!"

"Bet they're fired already" gloated Alicia.

"I think they're okay" Lofty commented mildly.

"I want complete honesty here."

Cal and Ethan looked sheepishly at Connie and explained, even though they thought there could only be two outcomes. She thought they were taking the pee and was going to disclipline them, or she might suspect they had been taking illegal substances and was going to investigate further.

"What did this woman look like?"

Ethan, whose powers of observation were usually sharper than those of his brother in the case of older women, answered:

"Stringy red-grey hair, as if she'd been trying to dye it and failed. Old fashioned skirt like women used to wear in the seventies, um, Hippy Style. A Starsky cardigan."

"A WHAT?" guffawed Cal.

"Like on Starsky and Hutch. Oh and she wore a big round pendant thing with a moon on it."

"Hmmm."

After a pause Connie spoke.

"About a month ago, Grace was being a real pain one morning. She managed to push into an old lady who looked exactly as you've described, and she didn't so much as apologise. She got her pocket money withheld for a day for that, but that's another story. For a whole week after the incident, Gracie had bad luck. She got poor grades in subjects she normally found easy. She was really excited about a new laptop that she was having for her birthday and not one laptop of that make was to be found in any store in all Holby. She tripped more times than Lofty and her best friend fell out with her and told Grace never to call or text her again. The next week her friend sent her a text saying her brother had played a mean joke on both of them, and would Grace forgive her? The laptop she wanted was back in the local store. Her grades were back to normal. So what do you two conclude from that?"

A long silence, which Connie sat through patiently without interruption. Then:

"Crazy as it sounds" Ethan said haltingly, "We've offended a witch. But there are no such things as witches, are they?"

Connie shrugged, but went on to say:

"So you have a whole week of this? We'd better assume the worst, that it's seven days and not a working week."

Cal's heart sank.

"All I can advise is that you two carry on as best you can. I will give you any advice and support that I can, if I'm free to give it. If you two don't walk into my office as yourselves next Monday morning, we may have a problem. Okay?"

Cal nodded.

"Off you go, then" Connie ordered sharply.

"Just one thing, Mrs Beauchamp."

"Yes, Doctor Knight?"

"Please don't ever grab my breasts again."

Connie nearly choked, and, speechless, motioned with her hand for them to leave her office.

They did just that. Almost bumping into Robyn, who had been listening at the door and who had only caught the last part of the conversation. But that was enough. Several people had suspected Mrs B of being gay. And now she'd made a pass at the new agency doctors! Robyn stored this information in her mind. She wasn't a malicious person but when she'd had a bit to drink her tongue loosened.

Ethan, for once, wasn't hungry. He'd had a very nasty stomach cramp all afternoon and had tried to rise above it, knowing that the patients came first. He'd performed an operation side by side with Lily and normally would have enjoyed this despite the usual tension and his concern for the young woman whose life they saved. Even in the guise of a woman, Ethan would have still loved working next to Lily. This time, however, the nagging discomfort was too strong and he was just glad when the procedure had been performed successfully.

"Shouldn't you have finished your shift now, Cass?" Dylan Keogh asked with unusual concern for his colleague, but with the usual disregard for getting her name correct.

"I'm just going to shower and change, Doctor Keogh."

"See you tomorrow, Cath" Lofty smiled, adding:

"Coming over to the pub? It's Max's birthday. We might go on to a club after that. Iain thinks Max might like the pole dancers. Sorry it'd be a bit boring for you and Ethel, though."

Cal managed to keep his wits about him but replied as off-handedly as he could:

"Well, a chance to refresh my slap and change into a dress is too good to miss. Thanks!"

Girls, thought Cal, almost joyfully. Pole dancing girls, even if I can't chat them up or shout out. Oh yes!

Alas, his night out never happened.

He crept into the ladies, confident that there was nobody else around. But one of the cubicles was locked and he shouted:

"Ethel? Is that you? You okay?"

An anguished wail came from poor Ethan.

"Are we alone in here?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Oh Cal" Ethan almost sobbed, "I don't know how, but I-I think I'm dying!"


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

A/N Thanks for the reviews and thanks to Sweeet-as-Honey for her valuable input and advice.

"Ethan, you mug! Do you honestly have no idea what happens to ladies at certain – er – times?" Cal yelled through the cubicle wall.

Ethan's sigh of relief could have powered a hot-air balloon.

"Ohh! But what shall I DO about it?"

"Stay in there. I'll go and talk nicely to Mrs Beauchamp."

"But if anybody comes IN-"

Cal picked up the 'closed for cleaning' sign and parked it in front of the door to the ladies' toilet. He sidled off as quickly as he could but had to snigger at Louise who suddenly wailed "Noooo!" behind him and hurried off in the direction of the next ladies' facilities.

"I'm back. Mrs B's given me loads of things to help you. Get tidied up and then try to look as if nothing's happened."

"My stomach hurts."

"She's given me a heated pad for your gut. Now take these, read the instructions, and then take two of those tablets with a hot drink."

"Women really are so _brave_ , aren't they?" sighed Ethan.

"Sorry we're late Dr Keogh. Ethel always suffers around this time of the month" Cal chirped nonchalantly, then remembered that wasn't a thing a woman would say to a male doctor.

Dylan's eyebrows rose.

"Well thank you for your – um – total honesty there, Cass. Cheer up, Ellen. I have it on good authority that throwing yourselves into your work at times like this makes you women feel better."

No sympathy there, then, thought Ethan miserably.

Iain couldn't believe his good luck. He was sitting next to the new Agency nurse, Cath Harvey, the one who had legs all the way up to her bum. Max, on the other hand, was sitting at the other side of him and blathering about football. Iain knew how most women got bored by football talk and glared at Max. The affable young porter just grinned lazily.

"Sorry, I know it's not what girls like to talk about" he told Cath, Ethel and Lily. Ethel was delighted to be next to Lily but not under these circumstances. Still, her gut pains had subsided now and the heat pad was almost luxurious.

"No, I love football actually" Cath smiled.

Ethel glowered. Once Cal/Cath/Cass/whatever started on about football it could dominate the conversation for the entire evening.

"I had a girlfriend once who said she liked footy, but it was just a cover to cop off with me" sighed Max.

Cath snorted.

"I've no time for silly two-faced girls like that – I mean, I wouldn't rate the, among my friends. I genuinely like football, okay?"

Alicia rolled her eyes. The conversation round the pub table had become dull, to say the least. Maybe because there had been no Alicia mentioned in the conversation for at least fifteen minutes.

"What's the offside rule then?" Alicia sneered.

Cath smirked and recited flawlessly:

"A player is offside if there are fewer than two opposition players either between him or the goal or level with him at the point where the ball player who has the ball passes it to a team-mate. If a player runs into an offside position after the ball has left the player's boot, that's okay. If he was offside before that moment, it's not okay. However, it's not an offence to be in an offside position. There are some situations where the offside rule doesn't apply and the referee will only stop play for offside if a player is taking an active role or gaining some advantage for his team-mates. If he touches the ball, he becomes active. If he doesn't touch the ball but tries to block the goalkeeper's view or impede an opposition player, he's gaining an advantage for his team-mates."

Most of the group around the table looked extremely impressed.

"Oh, dullsville!"

Alicia pushed rudely past Lofty, and made for the door. He went after her.

"Alicia, will you be safe on your own?" he asked kindly, "I could walk you to your house."

"I'm not that desperate" Alicia sneered. Lofty, his good nature stretched to breaking point, glared at her and said:

"Off you go then, you ungrateful little b*gger."

He turned on his heel and went back to the pub.

"You look a bit upset, Ben" Dylan commented in his usual disinterested tone.

"It's nothing." Lofty picked up his pint glass and drank from it trying to convey the impression that he was having a wonderful evening.

When Dylan went to the bar to get the next round, Lofty decided to take the bull by the horns.

"Ethel, what do women really want from men?"

The rest of the group apart from Ethan and Lily guffawed.

"I mean – well, you're a girl and you're pretty. Do you have any tips for chatting up girls? I mean… how do they like to be spoken to? Flirty talk or down-to-earth like Cath here?"

Ethan forgot that he was in female guise and said seriously:

"Why don't we go out tomorrow night and discuss it over a couple of pints – um, I mean cocktails?"

Is she asking me on a date, thought Lofty, not entirely horrified at the idea. Ethel was pretty and intelligent.

"Oh, you really should" beamed Cath the mischievous.

Ethan/Ethel suddenly realised that he was on the verge of agreeing to a date with a man. He wanted to back out, especially as he would have much rather asked Cath, Lily and Robyn on a girly night out. But he didn't want to crush Lofty any more.

"I know!" Iain beamed, "Why don't we leave it till Thursday and all go to a club together?"

"Why Thursday?" Lily asked, intrigued.

"Because none of us have noticed that it's Halloween then!"

"Oooh it is. We could dress up!" Robyn was becoming excited.

"Let's go for it. Oh Cath, you would make the most sexy vampire lady" Iain babbled gleefully.

Part of Cal wanted to think up an excuse – any excuse – not to go. But the playful side of him won.

"We could make it a group effort for the ED" he purred.

"You can count me out. I'll be spending the evening watching a good classic horror film with Dervla."

Dylan put down his glass, picked up his wallet, muttered "See you all at work" and strode out.

"Are you coming, Lily?" Ethan/Ethel forced himself to ask.

"I am indeed. I think we shall have some good fun."

"Us girls can all dress together can't we?" Cal smirked.

"Yeah, we can go to mine and dress up in my bedroom"

Robyn's offer was accepted immediately.

"Us guys can turn up in costume, and then wait in the pub for the girls" Lofty enthused. He'd forgotten his temporary hurt.

"We can have fun helping each other dress!" Lily felt like a child again waiting for a birthday party.

Ethan/Ethel wanted to weep. A fancy dress party. Girls in their scanty panties. Probably trading group hugs and drunken kisses. And he would have to be one of the girls.

If I ever see that witch again…!, he thought in silent rage.

"I can't wait for tomorrow night" bawled Iain.

I can. Oh, I bl**dy well can, thought Ethel, wanting to weep.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

"Max, did you actually bother to dress for this party?"

Max turned round to answer the scathing comment, and Alicia nearly fainted. Alicia had declined the offer to get ready with the rest of the girls and had just turned up at the local dressed as Catwoman. Which, strictly speaking, wasn't quite Halloween costume but Alicia knew what suited her.

Max might have been dressed in his porter's uniform but his face and hands were those of somebody who'd died a long time ago.

"I'm the Zombie porter and I want to eat you" he hissed at Alicia who backed away, repelled. She cannoned into Lofty, and snapped:

"Get out of my way, you clumsy sod."

"Bite her, Loft!" Max encouraged.

"Ugh, please don't!"

Lofty was hurt yet again by Alicia's comment, then actually overheard a girl sitting at the bar with a couple of friends saying:

"He can bite ME if he likes! What's your name, gorgeous?"

"The Vampire Lestat" introduced himself to the girl and her friends. Lofty reckoned that it wouldn't do any harm to flirt as he'd probably never get a date with Ethel Wright anyway.

Ethel, still a little out of sorts, was going through a trauma of her own. Lily was sitting on the bed with her, wearing the most adorable cheerleader costume ever. It didn't even matter that Lily had expertly made up her neck to suggest a very nasty wound to the jugular, or that her skin was greyish-green. Even as a murdered cheerleader Lily was stunning.

"I'll never compete with your costume" Ethel sighed.

"But yours is a nice one. And angels and demons are quite popular now. I like it a lot, Ethel. Besides" Lily gave a soft laugh, showing her perfect teeth:

"There is no competition, just a fun night out."

"You're really kind, Lily. And pretty. And…"

Ethan/Ellen couldn't have stopped themselves. Whether it was Ethel or Ethan, one of them leaned forward and kissed Lily softly. She withdrew very gently and patted Ethan/Ethel's arm.

"I am so sorry, Ethel. I am not gay."

"I'm such an idiot-" Ethel was shocked at what she'd done, but Ethan was thinking:

"Hah! She likes men. MEN. And I won't be a girl forever."

He tried to look more unhappy.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I hope I haven't spoiled your evening."

"Not at all, Ethel."

Lily had been a little surprised, but she had a completely broad mind as far as diversity went. Her evening was slightly spoiled, she had to admit to herself, but that was because Ethan Hardy was nowhere to be seen. He and Cal seemed to have taken off on some kind of holiday without telling many people in the ED, although Mrs Beauchamp had mentioned that they'd gone on a short break for a few days. She smiled at Ethel and said:

"Now shall we make our way down to the others? I think they're all wanting to get the party started."

Nearly all the girls were wanting to get the party started, apart from Robyn Miller. She'd planned to go to the party as a cat but Alicia had told her smugly that afternoon:

"A cat? Do you really think that's a good idea? Cat costumes are close-fitting, remember, and … well, I'm actually going as Catwoman. I don't think we'd do each other any favours if we turned up in the same costume, would we?"

Remembering the incident now, Robyn brushed a tear away just as Cath came into the bedroom.

"Oh, sorry, Robyn, I didn't know you were still getting ready."

Robyn took one look at Cath, with her bone structure and her long, long legs and gave a little choking sob.

"Hey, what is it, Robyn?"

"I don't want to go to the party. Whatever I wear I'm going to look fat and ugly."

"B*lls! Ooh, sorry, Robyn, I mean nonsense! You've got lovely eyes, and that hair… most women pay L'Oreal a fortune to have hair that colour and yours is natural. Now is this your costume?"

Robyn looked down at her witch's outfit and nodded.

"Well, your Auntie Cath is going to spice it up for you just a little bit. Now wash your face and just see what I can do with my magic make-up bag!"

Fifteen minutes later the fact hit Caleb Knight like a tidal wave.

Robyn Miller was beautiful in her own way.

Cath had wiped off Robyn's rather obvious make-up and had created her own. Now Robyn appeared to be wearing false eyelashes, her lips, instead of being the ugly purple that she'd thought suited a witch, were ruby red and glossy. A cleverly drawn spider's web decorate one cheek, and her eyeliner was more precise than anything Cleopatra had ever worn.

"Oh, Cath!"

"Like it, then?" Cal joked. He'd watched so many women putting on their make-up and had come to know what suited them. He'd also persuaded Robyn to wear her long-sleeved black top off-the-shoulder.

"Oh Cath, you're so clever!"

Feeling the emotion that had taken him by surprise swamping him again, Cal grinned and became Cath once more.

"Time to hit the pub, girlfriend!"

Alicia jerked her head in disgust over at where Lofty sat kissing the blonde girl who had called him gorgeous.

"He's off his face already!"

"Well" Cath took pleasure in saying, "You should have come to get ready with us girls instead of trying to be one of the boys, Alicia. And stop begrudging Lofty his fun. He's a good guy."

Ethel, the fallen angel, pouted, shook her black and silver wings and purred:

"It's getting late. Shall we move on down to Satine's?"

She wanted to get a nice seat in the corner, coddle herself for a while, and try to forget those nasty little cramps that were back again. Surely women didn't suffer this for a whole week, as Mrs Beauchamp had hinted? Ethel had had enough two days in.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

A/N Thanks to my lovely reviewers as usual.

Satine's was extremely crowded when the Holby party arrived. The dance floor seemed to be full of gyrating fiends or vampires.

"See how original your costume is, Ethel" Lily smiled.

"Thank you. Could we sit down for a while, do you think?" Ethel asked hopefully.

"You big wimp, you haven't even started dancing yet."

Alicia's voice was heard over the pounding music.

"She was not asking you. Why do you have to be so rude to people?" Lily glared at Alicia. Not waiting for a reply, she steered Ethel to a quiet corner.

"I shall fetch the drinks" she said kindly, "Same again?"

What a girl, thought Ethel. Even after I've made a pass at her she's still lovely to me.

"Isn't it my turn to pay?"

"You can pay another time, when you feel a little better."

Lily's eyes were sympathetic. Ethel realised that she knew what was going on. She/he felt slightly embarrassed by this. There seemed to be something not quite right about a woman who was really a man being looked after by another woman. Shakespeare would have been intrigued.

As Lily made her way to the bar, Ethel was joined by somebody else. Dracula. Or, to be more precise, Sam Strachan dressed as Dracula.

"Hey, beautiful angel. Want to dabble with evil for a while?"

"Er…" began Ethel.

The next minute Sam was not only kissing her but had his hands on Ethel's assets.

"Enjoy, mate, with a bit of luck they'll be gone by the weekend" she thought. Then she became angry. Just because he was a – oh, what the heck was his job anyway? A bigwig, anyway. And Ethel didn't want to be groped by a bigwig or anybody else. She just wanted a nice quiet chat with Lily.

"Don't be such a p*ssbaby" Sam slurred, the amount of drink he'd consumed getting the better of him and making him talk like a sulky teenage brat. He whispered:

"I can get you promotion, sugar."

The next minute, the groping hands were back. But not for long.

"Be careful, Cath!" Robyn gasped as she hurried after Cath.

Too late.

Cath had grabbed Sam by the collar and punched him.

"Don't you maul my br-er, my sister!" he bawled.

Sam, his good looks somewhat marred by a bloody nose, snapped:

"I think you've just handed in your notice there, Nurse Harvey."

"I think there are plenty of witnesses to say that Cath acted in defense of her sister. You had that coming" Lily's voice was steely. Sam hurried out of Satine's as if a row of priests with holy water were after him.

Max was sure that Cath had been going to say "Don't you grope my brother". He thought he knew what was going on. Ethel Wright had been a man at one time in her life. Well, that was Ethel's business, although Max knew that it wasn't even worth his practising his chat-up lines any more. He scratched his head. It had been a really strange week. He'd be glad when it was over. Especially as something had started to worry at his mind like a dog worrying at a bone.

It came to Max in the middle of the night, and he yelled aloud, bringing an indignant Robyn in her dressing gown.

"Max, put a sock in it. We're working later today!"

"Ah, but who's working in the ED under false pretences?" Max snapped.

He realised this wasn't Robyn's fault and said more gently:

"Look, I'll make us both a hot drink and then tell you what I've worked out."

"Do I need to know?"

"Oh, I think you do."

Max hadn't meant to hurt Robyn, so he was contrite when she began to cry.

Robyn was heartbroken. It had all been a stupid prank by Caleb Knight and Ethan Hardy. The worst of it was that Mrs Beauchamp, who really should have known better, had aided and abetted the brothers. They'd masqueraded as Cath Harvey and Ethel Wright, and were probably laughing their stupid heads off at everybody else in the ED.

"What's the noise about at this time in the morning?"

Lofty stood there, but he wasn't angry. Ever since Lofty had met Sheena, his new girlfriend, in the pub the night before, he'd been a loved-up pushover.

Robyn explained the situation to him. He was more sad than angry.

"Oh they shouldn't have done that. Oh, Robyn, come here, sweetheart."

Even having been hugged by Lofty and Max couldn't pull Robyn out of her misery.

She knew the truth now. Caleb Knight had been sending her up and making her a figure of fun. Oh it had been a prank on the whole ED but like a fool, Robyn had really thought she'd made a new friend in 'Cath'.

Just wait till she got to work and confronted those two morons. They'd be sorry.

Ethel felt almost sprightly. She had a headache but nothing worse than that. Her other troubles seemed to have gone away the previous evening.

"Morning, everybody! Hi, Robyn! Did you enjoy last night?" Cath asked, smiling warmly at Robyn.

"Oh yes thank you, Cath. It was great. It's always good when you find out that some pig's been playing you for a fool, isn't it?"

"Robyn?"

"Look, Cath… or should I say Cal, this is the most stupid trick you've ever pulled in your life. And to involve Ethan as well."

Cath hardly trusted herself to speak.

"Ethan? D-don't you mean Ethel?"

"No, Ethan. As in Ethan Hardy. Your brother. You two decided it would be hilarious to dress in drag for a week, get Mrs Beauchamp to say you and Ethan were both on a training course, and then masquerade as Cath and Ethel."

"We really are women, Robyn. Aren't we, Ethel?"

Ethel nodded.

"Okay, it was convincing make-up but the joke's over now. Just take off those stupid clothes and that ridiculous padding and apologise."

Cath remembered the last time she'd been accused of being padded. Mrs Beauchamp's touch had been painful to say the least.

"Okay, let's go to the ladies toilet and we can prove-"

"You don't have the right to go into the ladies toilet!" yelled Robyn, adding as calmly as she could:

"The staff room's empty now. We'll go there. Max, stand guard outside."

"Oh I will" Max agreed with grim readiness.

Robyn waited, tapping her foot. Cath and Ethel took off their tops, and then their bras.

Robyn gave a yelp of horror, and hardly heard the fierce but muffled conversation outside the room as she sank on to one of the seats. Just as a red-faced Max came in, followed by an amazed and not too happy Henrik Hanssen from the wards upstairs. English might not have been Hanssen's first language, but he spoke it fluently enough, and distinctly heard:

"But you can't have b-breasts. You're MEN!"


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

"So" Hanssen addressed the small group that consisted of Max, Cath, Ethel, Robyn and Mrs Beauchamp, "Flavia Octavia Sanford is still up to her tricks, it would seem?"

Cath and Ethel nodded. Robyn mouthed "Sorry" at them. She was genuinely ashamed now that she'd accused them of playing a mean trick when it seemed that they were victims here. Cath gave her a kind little grin but Ethel was still sulking.

"Could we ask how you know Flavia Octavia, Mr Hanssen?" Ethel asked.

"I came into contact with her when I first started at Holby in a much less prestigious role than I have now" replied the modest Mr Hanssen, adding:

"She was reading the magazines in Smiths, which always annoys me, as I like my magazines to be pristine and not covered in sweaty fingermarks. Not only was she reading them, she was –" Hanssen shuddered visibly – "Licking her finger to turn over the pages. I told her what I thought of her and she replied that I would learn what it was like not to have money to spare for luxuries. The next day I got seven letters demanding payments of accounts that I'd only recently paid the final balance for. I called my bank, thinking they would have the evidence – they had no record of all my transactions. I was forced to live on the breadline for several days. After that I received an apology from the bank, saying their computer systems had broken down and that they had not only found records of my transactions but were contacting all the companies that I was in debt to. I received several phone calls and letters of apology and my account was restored to its usual comfortable status."

"So we can expect to be back to normal by the end of the week?" Cath asked.

"I should expect so" Hanssen gave them a reassuring smile.

"It's a bl**dy long week though" grizzled Ethel.

Robyn shuddered.

"It's really creepy though. And she could do it to anybody who upsets her."

Max got to his feet.

"Mr Walker, I have not yet said this meeting is over" Hanssen commented with icy politeness.

"No; I wanted to ask a question, Mr Hanssen" Max replied, seemingly unfazed by the Swede.

"Then go ahead."

"If Cath and Ethel – I mean, Cal and Ethan – do change at the end of the week and we just let it pass, then that Sanford woman will win again. Isn't it time somebody stood up to her?"

"Oh yeah" Ethel replied nastily, "Try that trick and I could be a woman forever."

"That would not be such a bad thing. You're very pretty" commented Hanssen. The blood literally drained from Ethel's face.

"I am joking" Hanssen grinned. Ethel didn't see the joke.

"Do you think" Cath mused, "That somebody could try it the other way round?"

"How do you mean?"

"If someone was nice to Flavia Octavia for a change?"

"That's it! We need somebody good-tempered and kind-hearted to do something really lovely for her."

At least three people said:

"Lofty!"

"Supposing she turns me into a monster?" Lofty said nervously.

"You've got the face already!" smirked Max.

"Mr Walker, if you haven't anything sensible to say-" Hanssen looked severely displeased. He turned to Lofty with a kinder expression.

"Ben, would you consider doing this for us?"

"The thing is, Mr Hanssen, I've just met somebody that I really like and I'd hate to jeopardise my chances with her…"

"TOLD you he's too selfish" snapped Ethel.

"Okay. I'll do it. But please don't come blaming me if nothing changes or she does another trick on somebody else."

"Lofty, you're a star!" simpered Ethel.

Flavia Octavia struggled with her shopping trolley. Maybe she shouldn't have picked up so much of that catfood. But a bargain was a bargain and she hadn't treated Maurice for ages.

"Could I help you here, Miss?"

Flavia turned round to glare at the owner of the voice, and looked harder. Hmmm, she thought, this one's got kind eyes.

"Could you wheel my trolley to the bus stop for me?"

"Well of course. I'd be delighted."

"And help me on with it?"

"Sure thing."

"You're not an American. Don't use American expressions" snapped the ungrateful Flavia.

An hour later, an exhausted Lofty got back to the city centre. Flavia had sweet-talked him into helping her off the bus, then helping her to her house. She'd also wanted him to become friends with Maurice. The grumpy old tabby had spat and scratched, but Lofty had tried valiantly to hold Maurice on his knee and stroke him. Maurice had repaid this kindness by using Lofty's knee as a toilet.

"Poor old kitty's got a dodgy bladder" Flavia had shrugged.

The driver of the bus had told Lofty bluntly that nobody stinking of cat pee was allowed on his bus.

"Oh, Flavia, this had better be worth it" thought Lofty.

Ethel was nibbling moodily at a cheese sandwich in the staff room when Lily sat quietly next to her.

"I have heard a rumour that you and Cath have been having a joke in bad taste at the expense of your colleagues."

Ethel's heart sank.

"What have you heard?"

Lily's voice was soft but heavy with disappointment.

"I am so stupid. Cath Harvey. Ethel Wright. And… Ethan Hardy and Caleb Knight are away on a training course. How convenient."

Over in her quiet house, Flavia looked once more at the card by the vase full of pink roses:

"A random treat for a nice lady."

She remembered how kind the young man had been the previous day as she stroked Maurice.

Lily suddenly began to giggle uncontrollably.

"It was the funniest, naughtiest joke ever! I heard you even fooled Hanssen."

"AND Sam Strachan."

"Oh, HIM."

Lily's momentary glare told Ethel what she thought of Sam Strachan.

They sat laughing together for quite a while.

Suddenly Ethel felt things happening to her. It was what she'd been praying for all week but she felt disappointed at having to walk out on Lily, which went some way towards excusing her next clumsy sentence:

"Excuse me, Lily… I have to go to the restroom to see if I'm a girl or a boy. I mean… oh, I've put my foot in it again haven't I?"

Lily, almost falling off her seat laughing, waved her away.

Ethel walked into the rest room and was never seen again. It was Ethan Hardy who slipped out furtively and, calling a taxi on his mobile, hurried home for a change of clothes.

Cath, alas, wasn't so lucky.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

A/N Sorry about the delay here. Personal problems, coupled with writer's block, got in the way. Thanks for the lovely reviews as always

T/W Pregnancy complications, descriptions of medical procedures. Huge love and Kudos to Sweeet-as-Honey for her excellent guidance here.

Cath couldn't believe her bad luck. She'd hoped to get away from the ED as quickly as she could, but a patient had just been brought in who needed an ECG. The unlovely Sam Strachan had more or less sidelined her to being little more than a spectator.

She noticed Robyn ushering in a heavily pregnant woman.

"Cath, you can deal with this lady."

"I'm here for Ralph" the woman explained and a twinge of pain showed in her face.

"Are you all right?" Cath asked, "Would you like water or tea? Or I can show you an execise-"

"Please, I just want Ralph to be all right."

"Your husband's in good hands" Sam reassured the woman. To his annoyance, the woman looked at Cath again. She obviously trusted her more.

"Why don't we walk around outside for a while?" Cath suggested, trying to sound as calm as she could. It wasn't easy with a nervous pregnant lady and the fact that she could change back to being Cal at any second if Flavia Octavia's wrath had now been appeased.

"What's your name?" she asked gently as she helped the patient walk.

"I'm Rebecca Tanner."

"Well, it's all going well with Ralph, Rebecca-"

"Oh NO!"

This last comment wasn't a cry of disbelief at Cath's words, but a cry of shock and a little shame as Rebecca saw and felt the puddle at her feet.

"Rebecca, your waters have broken. We need to get you up to Maternity."

"I want to stay with my husband!"

Cath sighed inwardly but hurried into Resus again.

"I need a trolley now!"

Sam's eyebrows rose, but he grinned inwardly. He rather liked this side of the placid blonde.

"Trolley now, please!" he ordered.

Having wheeled Rebecca into a bay, Cath smiled at Amira.

"Amira, check how far dilated Rebecca is please."

"Can't you do that? I'm really busy-"

Cath didn't fancy explaining to Amira just why 'she' shouldn't check. She gritted her teeth and smiled.

"Okay,"

"She's 10cm dilated" Cath reported. Her only hope now was to be an emergency birth partner.

"I'll be here all the time, Rebecca. I could be your birth partner?"

Just then a serious-looking young woman hurried into the bay.

"Sandie, you got here! It's okay, doctor. Sandie's here to be my birth partner.

Oh, whoopee, thought Cath/Cal, just call me Cal the Midwife.

Sandie and Cath helped Rebecca to breathe, and tried their best to keep Rebecca focussed on the birth, but the phrases that Cath kept hearing from Resus weren't very reassuring. "Crossmatched blood" could well mean a transfusion, and bradycardia and hypotension were even more worrying to overhear.

Rebecca too overheard:

"Doctor, what does that mean? Brady- what's that?"

Cath explained the medical terms as best she could but said forcefully:

"We need to concentrate on YOU here, Rebecca. Your husband will be just fine… look, just push for me, good girl… oh, good girl!"

And as the medical team performed fluid resuscitation on Ralph, Rebecca gave one final push and their child was born. Ironically it happened just as Sam announced smoothly that Ralph was back with them again. Smiling, Cath placed the small, crying body on Rebecca's chest, trying not to think of a baby called Matilda…

"What's your name, Doctor?" Rebecca gasped in between tears of happiness.

Cath had a wicked urge to say "Ask me tomorrow and we'll see" but she told Rebecca her name was Catherine.

"Oh I like that. Her first name's going to be April because I've planned it for so long but how about April Catherine?"

Cath couldn't help but glow with pride. And at last her long shift was over and she was heading for the restroom where she felt she had an imminent discovery to make.

Rebecca wondered if it was because she felt so woozy after giving birth to April Catherine or if she'd been so worried about Ralph that it had made her hallucinate.

She was sure she'd seen Doctor Catherine Harvey's breast size reduce drastically in the last half hour.

No, that was nonsense. She had Ralph back safely, and they had April to love and look after. That's what she'd think about now.

"Cal, you're back!"

Robyn, wearing her day clothes and clearly ready to leave the ED for the night, was beaming with genuine pleasure.

"I'm back, Robyn… but I'm legging it out of here as fast as I can before I'm hauled back into Resus. I'm totally kn*ckered. All I want to do tonight is to have a good warm shower, a good hot dinner and a wonderful long sleep."

Cal couldn't help but notice the disappointment on Robyn's face. He knew that they had lots to catch up on now that she knew he hadn't played any dirty tricks on her and the others after all.

"But tomorrow night I'd like to make this last few stupid days up to you properly. Do you like films?"

"What kind?"

"I was thinking of the latest Pirates. It's on at the local Multiplex."

"I've missed Jack Sparrow!"

"So that's a yes, then. And a meal beforehand? Wherever you like, your choice."

"That'd be lovely."

"Bless Lofty for doing his stuff with Flavia Octavia."

"He deserves a medal. Hey, there's no reason why we can't share a taxi home together, is there?"

Cal beamed.

"Not at all!"

"So could we go out formally tomorrow night?" Ethan asked Lily.

"Will anything between us ever be formal again now you've made me laugh like a schoolgirl?"

Lily's smile was ironic but very friendly.

"Where should we go? Anywhere you like."

"I'd like to see the latest Pirates film at the Multiplex."

"Very frivolous silly entertainment. Yes, I think I would like that."

Sam was starting to have one of his severe headaches. Resus had been bad enough, even though they'd successfully saved Ralph Tanner. Oh well, he was free now for the evening and would treat himself to a good meal. He thought about a taxi to the restaurant, but then decided that would be stupid as they had good parking facilities.

As he drove out of the carpark and on to the main street, he was forced to pull up at a Zebra crossing, across which a strange-looking old lady was shuffling as slowly as she could for the sake of it. Horns were honking behind Sam and he had had enough. Winding down the window, he yelled loud and clear:

"Oh get out of my way why don't you, you stupid old hag?"

Flavia Octavia gave him a long, slow, meaningful smile…


End file.
